


Letting Yourself Hope

by Red_Headed_Infiltrator15



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Fluff, Gift Fic, Holiday Harbinger 2017, Hurt/Comfort, Non-Binary Shepard, Other, begging your partner to let you keep a pet varren, little blue children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 20:56:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13532382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Headed_Infiltrator15/pseuds/Red_Headed_Infiltrator15
Summary: Three moments in Sam Shepard and Liara's relationship where they lean on each other for comfort, where their love defies a war bent on keeping them apart, where they get to just be.A gift fic for du-hjarta-skulblaka on tumblr for the Holiday Harbinger gift exchange. Happy Holidays my friend! I hope you like this fic and I hope I did Sam justice, as they seem like such a delight and I could only hope to bring them to life like you want.





	Letting Yourself Hope

The call with Tevos had gone decidedly worse than Shepard had imagined. They had expected yelling, yelling was something they could deal with. Because if Shepard was anything in that moment it was angry and the chance to yell at something, punch it even, would alleviate the tension they could feel building in their gut. But the slow look of defeat and hopelessness on Tevos’ face made their failure on Thessia that much more apparent.

“Hey, uh, Shepard? You better get down to the Cargo Bay.” Joker’s voice crackled over the intercom.

Shepard let out a breath, “What is it Joker?”

“Javik is well….Liara’s about to blow him out the port hull.”

“Damnit, I’m on it Joker.” Well, maybe the chance to punch something would happen after all.

Shepard hurried to the elevator, feeling their heart beating in their throat hoping Liara hadn’t done anything crazy. Finally, blessedly, the elevator doors opened to an empty hall and Shepard rushed to the port cargo hold. Even from outside the door, they could hear Liara shouting.

“That’s not true! We earned our place in the galaxy!”

Shepard entered and instantly felt the tension, not only from the argument between Liara and Javik, but they could feel the air tingling over their skin with the biotic energy radiating from Liara. She was visibly shaking, her hands clasped into tight fists at her side as her biotics pooled around them.

Javik scoffed, his arms crossed and his four eyes showing how disinterested he was in this conversation, “Stop denying reality, asari. Your people took the knowledge of my people from the beacon.”

Liara’s back straightened as she stepped into Javik’s space, her biotics flaring at her anger, “I have a name. It’s Liara T’Soni. And I’d appreciate you using it from now on.” She pulled her fist back, preparing to lob an attack at the prothean in front of her.

As much as Shepard would like to see Javik thrown on his ass, they knew they had to calm Liara down, “Hey! Settle down!” Shepard reached for Liara’s wrist and gently pulled it back.

Liara turned and stared at them wild eyed, seeming to only now notice Shepard’s presence. Her hand shook in Shepard’s grasp, and they could see tears welling in the asari’s eyes, “My home was just destroyed…and all he can do is _gloat_.” She spit the last word out between clenched teeth.

Shepard needed to get Liara out of here, get her to her room to calm down or something. They could tell she was about to lose control and if she did, there wouldn’t be anything Shepard could do to stop her until she had expelled her rage.

Shepard eyed Javik, who at least had the decency to look put out by Liara’s assertiveness. They cleared their throat, “Given what’s happened today, I think you owe Liara an apology, Javik.” Shepard hoped Javik could see the command in their eyes, hoped the stubborn idiot would drop it and let it go for now.

Luck was not on their side today.

“Apologize for the truth?” Javik took a step back and scoffed.

Liara, skin still crackling with biotics, seemed to deflate in Shepard’s grasp, “For not doing more!” She said desperately, “You’re a Prothean! You were supposed to have all the answers. How could you not stop this from happening?”

Javik seemed to shift his stance, seeing now what Liara was angry about, “We believed you would.” He said simply. He continued to explain that his race held hope that future generations of the galaxy would win the war they could not. Slowly, Liara’s biotics receded and Shepard dropped their hand to lace with Liara’s fingers, hoping to provide some form of comfort.

“Well it didn’t work.” Liara said, dropping her gaze.

“You’re still alive aren’t you? You’re world may have fallen, but as long as even one asari is left standing, the fight isn’t over.”

Liara nods, “I guess that goes for the Protheans too.”

Javik dropped his defensive stance and walked to Liara, Shepard instinctively tensing, “Despair is the enemy’s greatest weapon. Do not let them wield it…Liara T’Soni.”

Liara says nothing, she drops her hand from Shepard’s and turns to leave.

“Li wait-“ Shepard reaches out and tries to stop her but she didn’t turn or stop. Its silent for a moment, Shepard not sure what they should do.

“Your asari is headstrong.” Javik says.

Shepard studies him for a moment, “Did you mean it?”

Javik shifts, weighing his answer, “What does it matter.”

Shepard shoots him a glare, “Liara is important to me, so it matters.”

“What matters is that she does not fall to grief. We need her talents now more than ever.”

They suppose it’s as good an answer as they will get out of Javik, “Then, thanks I guess.”

Javik says nothing, waving his hand to signify he’s done with the conversation.

Shepard turns briskly and heads for the elevator once more. They need to find Liara, and knowing the asari, she’s in her own room pouring over her data on Thessia. Shepard arrives at the crew deck and Tali stands starring at the memorial. The Quarian turns and lets out a sigh of relief.

“Shepard there you are, Liara just-“

“I know Tali, I’m going after her.”

Tali nods, “Ok, good. When she came by she just looked so…” Tali trails off but Shepard knows what she means.

“Thanks, Tali.” Shepard jogs to Liara’s cabin and doesn’t even knock. Liara is huddled on her bed, speaking to EDI who speaks calmly and assuringly to her. Bless EDI for being as observant as she was.

When Liara looks up to see Shepard, her neutral demeanor that had held her through her argument with Javik shatters, “How did this happen, Shepard? Was I so blind as to think the asari would listen? To think that the council would do their job and protect them?”

“Liara you couldn’t have known this would-“

“They’re dying by the millions! I told them I would save them and now my people are dying, Shepard!”

Liara’s shoulders shake as her body is racked with sobs, she falls to her side on the bed and Shepard is there in an instant, scooping her into their lap. Liara clings to Shepard, burying her face in their stomach as she mourns for the loss of her people.

Shepard is frozen, doesn’t know how to tell the person they love that it’s going to be ok when it so clearly isn’t right now. They don’t know how to rationalize this in a comforting way. Garrus’ speech on ruthless calculus holds no power here, when the love of their life feels responsible for the death of an entire planet.

Shepard thinks back to Virmire, when they were so fraught with guilt that they couldn’t breathe. Kaiden’s face as they promised they would come back for him haunting them even now. They had only just begun their relationship but even then Liara seemed to know what to do. So Shepard scoops Liara up and holds her close, rocking back and forth and rubbing slow, even circles over the asari’s back as they whisper softly into Liara’s ear. They instruct Liara to start counting out their breathing, attempting to calm her crying just as Liara had done for them only a few years ago.

“Breathe with me Li, feel my chest and breathe with me.” Shepard whispers and pulls Liara’s hand to their chest as they start counting their breaths.

Shepard starts to hum, some old Earth song they vaguely remember from childhood, and soon Liara is breathing with them even if her breaths still come out shuttering and wet from tears.

When they feel Liara’s calmed down enough, Shepard pulls back and wipes the remaining tears from her soft blue skin, “Liara, what happened today will never be your fault. You’ve done your part by warning the council for years, for continuing to warn them these last few months. What they did with your information is on them. Thessia is strong, your people are strong. They will come back from this. Just like you will.”

“Shepard….Sam, I don’t know how I would do this without you.”

Shepard smiles, “Of course you would. You’re Liara T’Soni, Shadowbroker and Prothean expert. You can do anything.”

Liara smiles softly but shakes her head. She sits up, tucking her legs underneath her as she reaches for Shepard’s face, “You make me stronger, Sam. You make me want to do good things. You make me want to build a better galaxy for us to live in.”

Shepard giggles, “For us and those little blue children?”

Liara blushes as she laughs, “Yeah, maybe a couple of those too.”

Shepard brings Liara into a tight hug, nuzzling into her neck and breathing in the comforting smell. They sit for a moment in comfortable silence until-

“And maybe a pet Varren?”

Liara chokes out a laugh and pulls back to swat playfully at Shepard’s arm, “Now you’re pushing it, Commander.”

Shepard just smiles and shrugs, “Worth a shot.”

ii.

Liara paces the comm room without really noticing. Her left arm still hangs painfully from a sling, while she chews on the thumbnail of her right. Her thoughts seem to race more than usual, her mind trying to discern and collate everything that needed to get done before they entered Sol. Before they got back to Earth.

A loud clang and a softly muttered Quarian curse word barely catches her attention as Tali pulls herself out from the panel under the comms. Wires and circuitry litter the room, and there’s a smudge of unidentifiable grease on Tali’s face plate.

“Liara please you are going to wear a hole in the floor, and I’m pretty sure the Normandy can’t take too many more holes right now. She’s barely hanging on as it is.” Tali gets up brushing fruitlessly at the dust covering her suit.

Liara doesn’t seem to notice that Tali has said anything, still walking back and forth across the room. Tali sighs and gently steps in front of Liara’s path and places a hand on her uninjured shoulder, “Liara, please. Stop for a second. You’re going to wear yourself out.”

Liara shakes her head, “I haven’t done anything requiring physical exertion for weeks now. I hardly think walking around will tire me out.”

“That’s exactly my point, you’re still recovering. Why don’t you go assist Traynor with recalibrating our cooling systems. If I have to sleep in that boiling hot room down in crew quarters one more time I might actually throw myself out of the airlock.”

Liara laughs a bit, “No, Traynor said she should have that fixed in an hour or so. I’d rather stay here if that’s alright with you.”

Tali shrugs, “Can’t say watching me fix our long distance comms is any more entertaining.”

Liara shifts a little and looks away as if embarrassed, “I’m…nervous is all. I’m afraid I’ll miss it, as ridiculous as that sounds.”

Tali nods, “I get it. But we’re still a ways out from being within range, so at least go get something to eat while I finish up here.”

Liara sighs in defeat, “Ok. I will. And please, let me know as soon as you have the comms running again.”

Tali gives her a gentle hug, careful with her arm, “Of course. Now go, I’ll tell you when everything is ready. And grab me whatever horrible food paste we have left!”

Liara reluctantly leaves the war room and heads out to the elevators. The Normandy sustained quite a bit of damage when they crashed. It’d taken them almost a month to get her space-worthy again, especially with a lot of the crew injured, but once they were able they immediately started limping across the quiet expanse of space back towards Sol. Despite this, the Normandy was still a wreck, repairs being made slowly but surely as they made the agonizingly slow journey back to Earth. Whatever had happened before they fled Sol had knocked out the Relays, and with their long range comms out of commission they had to resort to sending out short-wave pulse beacons with short messages, nothing more complicated than an SOS. Edi, unfortunately, was not back online as of yet. They had thought her body had short-circuited from the crash, but they soon found out that she was just…gone. Joker had been devastated for quite some time before focusing his efforts on getting the Normandy up and running again. He was still quieter than they were all used to, though. Traynor and Tali worked on restoring EDI’s backup programs in their off-hours, not wanting to get Joker’s hopes up if they ultimately were unsuccessful.

Overall, the morale of the remaining Normandy crew had not been at its best. Even with the Normandy able to fly again, they had only lived on that high for a short while. As they flew past the empty wrecks of dreadnoughts and fighters, they were only reminded that out here the galaxy seemed dead. They had no way of knowing if the Reapers were really gone, and with the casualties floating past them it was hard to feel victorious.

That is, until a few days ago.

Joker had informed them that they would be reaching the outer limits of Sol within several days, something that seemed to lift everyone’s spirits if only slightly. However, shortly after that they finally received a response to one of their pulse beacons. It was an official Alliance beacon that instructed them to get in contact with them as soon as they were in range. It gave no other information, but it got everyone excited. It prompted the engineers on board to fix their long range comms at an accelerated pace. And now, with the Normandy only hours away from being within Sol comms limits and Tali finishing up the repairs on their comms, everyone was anxious to hear what had happened after they fled. Everyone, especially Liara, was anxious to see what happened to their Commander.

Liara rummaged through their slow-dwindling rations and found a package of crackers for her and a tube of dextro food paste for Tali. The kitchen was empty, as everyone was waiting on the CIC deck to hear from Earth. Liara was thankful, as she was anxious to get back to the comms room. She didn’t want to get her hopes up, but she prayed to whatever gods would listen that whoever they talked to today would have information on Shepard. Having to leave Shepard alone as they flew off was the single most difficult thing she had ever had to do. For the first several days she hadn’t left Shepard’s cabin. She’d sustained a few injuries and was bed ridden, but even when Karen had given her the ok, she didn’t leave Shepard’s room until Garrus and Tali had come to collect her for the memorial service. They had wanted her to put Shepard’s name on the wall, wanted her to start grieving properly. But the thought of writing off Sam so easily didn’t sit right with her, so she didn’t do it. She had refused to give up hope and that prompted her to stop feeling sorry for herself and help get them flying again. She rallied the crew, got them up and working and reminded them they had a purpose, a reason to get back to Earth. Ashley, acting as X-O, supported Liara’s efforts. _Skipper will be pissed if they find out I let the crew slack in their absence_ , Ashley had explained to Liara shortly after the scrapped memorial service. For the long weeks before they were back in the air, Liara’s hope got them through.

Now, though, that hope was being overshadowed dangerously by fear. She was afraid that there would be no word of Shepard, that they hadn’t been found yet or worse.

“Liara?” Tali’s voice came from her omni-tool, “You heading back yet?”

“Yes, I’m just getting in the elevator.”

“Oh good. Comms are back online and Joker gave us an ETA of five minutes.”

Liara couldn’t help the stab of both anxiety and excitement that rushed through her gut, “Ok, I’ll be there shortly.”

Liara makes her way back to the war room, wincing a bit as she goes down the few steps, her hip still giving her issues. Ashley greets her just outside the comms room and gives her a smile.

“Hey, figured you’d want to be here for this. I’m also broadcasting this to the CIC so everyone can see it. They’re more stoked than they were for Vega’s movie nights.”

Liara smiles a bit, “Well we are making contact with civilization for the first time in months, that is a bit more exciting than Vega’s cheesy action movies.”

Ashley laughs, and turns to Tali who is still fiddling with the comm system, “How’s it looking over there?”

Tali makes a few adjustments before turning and putting her hands on her hips triumphantly, “I can now officially say I know this comm system more intimately than my filtration units in my suit. Everything should be ready, all we need to wait for is the hail from Alliance command.”

Ashley leans against the wall at the back of the room, and Liara has to stop herself from pacing once again. Tali steps out of the room for only a minute before returning with Garrus, his hand placed comfortingly on her back. The next several minutes feel like an eternity, until finally Joker’s voice announces over the intercom, “Incoming message from Alliance Command.”

Hackett’s image comes to life, albeit crackling and fuzzy, from the comm system. Ashley stands at attention and Hackett mirrors her salute.

“At ease, Lieutenant. Boy, you lot are a site for sore eyes.” The old Alliance officer looks haggard and worn. He’s still wearing his Alliance blues, but even in the fuzziness of the holo they can see the fabric is wrinkled and unkempt.

“No disrespect Sir, but I think we’re a bit more excited to see you.” Ashley says, her stance relaxing.

Hackett chuckles, “I have no doubt about that. I’m sure you have a lot of questions, and I have quite a few for you as well. Let’s make this quick before our signal decides it’s had enough.”

Ashley nods, and launches into a brief account of what had happened after the Normandy left Sol. It hardly seems real, all summed up in bullet points. Hackett takes it all in before responding.

“I’m proud of all of you for making it through such a hard time. We look forward to having you back on Earth.”

Ashley shifts, showing her anxiousness for the first time, “How…how is Earth, Sir?”

Hackett sighs and scrubs a hand over his face, for the first time showing the wear and tear of the whole war, “Well, I won’t sugar coat it. It’s been Hell Lieutenant. The death toll is uncountable, still rising every day we expand our cleanup. But the Reapers are gone. The Crucible did its job, we won, and that’s what we have to focus on right now.” Hackett goes into more detail about the state of things. Liara notices how he doesn’t say a single thing about the Citadel or Shepard. He seems to be avoiding the topic altogether.

Finally, as the debriefs seem to be coming to a close, and Ashley has the information they need in order to dock safely on Earth, Hackett motions to Liara, “Dr. T’soni, if it’s alright with your commanding officer I’d like to have a moment with you alone.”

Ashley looks to Liara then quickly nods back at Hackett, “Of course, Sir. We’ll be seeing you soon.” Ashley ushers the others out of the room and Liara moves to stand in front of the holo.

“I won’t keep you in suspense much longer Doctor.” Hackett says, a small smile on his aged face, “I know you are wondering about Commander Shepard. While I don’t have the details, I have someone here who knows more about what happened. Our time is running short so I won’t keep you from talking to them.”

Liara doesn’t have a chance to respond before Hackett’s image disappears. The holo is empty for a few minutes before-

“Shepard?” Liara breathes out, and without thinking reaches for the hollow as if she could touch Shepard for real.

Shepard is in a wheelchair, their arm bandaged more heavily than Liara’s. Liara can’t see below Shepard’s waist, but the wheelchair must mean substantial damage to their legs. Their face is covered in more scars than after the Lazarus project, and they look tired. Bone-weary in a way that they never were even during the war. But they’re alive. Shepard is alive and Liara wants to burst into tears.

“Hey Li.” Shepard smiles.

“Shepard….Sam I, Godess…you…” Liara struggles to put her emotions into words, she’s still grasping uselessly at the holo of her lover and she can’t fight the tears falling down her cheeks.

Shepard is in a similar state, though any movement seems to cause them a great deal of pain, “I know, Liara. I love you. I’m here and I love you.”

“I…love you so much, Sam.” Liara smiles and she laughs, she’s so unbelievably happy and she can’t contain the laughter any more than she can the tears. “How…how are you?”

“I’m doing better than when they found me. Apparently I was crushed under the rubble of the Citadel. It’s…all a bit fuzzy for me still.” Shepard says almost apologetically.

Liara shakes her head, “None of that matters. You’re here. Goddess you actually here.”

Shepard smiles, “Get home to me, ok? I got Cortez out there scoping us a good place to build a house for all those little blue children.”

Liara unconsciously places a hand on her mid-section, feeling the hopeful flutter she had been ignoring until this moment, “I will, Sam.” Liara says confidently, “I’ll see you soon.”

They unfortunately have to end the call, as bandwidth is a precious commodity in high demand at the moment. But hope blossoms in Liara’s chest and she allows herself to feel relief for the first time in weeks.

She’s going home to Shepard after all.

iii.

Liara pours over her documents for what feels like the thousandth time, but Tevos is paying her for her meticulous eye to detail and she intends on delivering on her service. Having the experience of being the Shadowbroker under her belt helps with the intricacies of the political nightmare that is post-war restoration of an entire civilization.

Finally, the words on the extranet screen start to blur together and Liara resigns to calling it a day. She leans back in her chair and presses her fingers to her temple, attempting to force the impending migraine away.

A small, furious knock at her office door breaks her out of her thoughts, “Come in.”

A small, blue flash comes barreling through her door, “Momma! Momma you gotta come outside quick!”

Liara smiles warmly at the small asari who is patting impatiently at her arm, “What is it dear?”

“Dad says you gotta come outside!” her daughter says like it’s obvious. Liara laughs at her insistent attitude.

“Alright little one, show me what the fuss is about.” Liara stands and allows her daughter to tug her through their home and out to the front yard.

The scene that unfolds is, frankly, not at all what Liara was expecting. She sees her bondmate barely holding onto a long leash, which is attached to a very excited varren that is currently dragging Shepard across their lawn as it sniffs out the area.

“Hey! I said calm down boy! Oh come on you gotta make a good impression buddy!”

Liara clears her throat, “And who would you be trying to impress?” She smirks as Shepard looks sheepishly at her, their daughter giggling at Liara’s side.

Shepard wrestles with the varren for a few more minutes, muttered curses and the occasional, “No! Down boy! Bad Varren! Very bad!”, before they finally get the animal to sit down, its tongue hanging out its mouth and yipping happily up at Shepard.

Shepard attempts to straighten their clothes and brushes the hair out of their eyes before putting on a smile, “Hey, Liara. So, uhhhh….this is-“

“It’s a Varren, I can see that much.” Liara says sternly, though the smile has not left her face.

Shepard scratches at the back of their neck, “Yeah, he is. Um…”

From her waist their daughter tugs at her shirt, “Mom can we keep him? Please? Auntie Jack says he’s the runt and the other varren are mean to him. Please?” Her little blue lip trembles a bit and Liara can’t help but shake her head at the antics of her bondmate and daughter.

“Look, I know this isn’t something we discussed before but Jack’s varren, Eezo, is such a good boy and she’s been training varren at the academy and this little guy just wasn’t making it with the other’s cause he’s so small.” Shepard gestures at the varren next to her as if to prove that he is tiny and weak, even though he comes almost to their hip and was in fact dragging them around the yard like a leaf on a string.

Liara makes a show of thinking long and hard about it, until both her daughter and her bondmate are visibly shaking with excitement and anticipation.

“I have one stipulation.” Liara says.

Shepard stands straight and nods vigorously, “Of course, Babe, whatever it is you got it.”

Liara puts one hand on her hip and points at the varren with her other, “The very _minute_ that thing turns any part of our house into his own personal toilet he is no longer welcome in the house and has to stay outside forever.”

Shepard’s eyes literally light up, “You mean we can keep him?” And Liara has to laugh at how much her lover looks and sounds like their daughter.

“Really, really Momma?” As if on cue, her daughter tugs at her shirt again.

“Yes, you can keep him. But you have to help your father clean up after him and train him, understand?”

Her daughter nods excitedly, “Of course, Momma!” The small asari turns and claps her hands against her knees, “Come here boy! I’m gonna show you where you can sleep in my room!”

The varren is gone in a second, yanking his leash out of Shepard’s grasp as he follows their daughter into the house. Shepard cringes as a small crash is heard, but their daughter shrieks in laughter so they feel like it’s going to be ok. They walk up to Liara, who is still standing at the front door.

“I hope you know what you’re doing.” Liara teases.

Shepard wraps their arms around Liara’s waist, “Look, Jack may not be able to be alone with infants as of now but she sure as hell knows how to train varren. I swear he’s house trained and he’s really good with kids.” Shepard furrows their brows, “You sure you’re ok with this? I’m sorry this was so sudden.”

Liara just pulls them into a hug, “You deserve to have good things you know? And if this slobbering death machine making a mess of our house is what makes you happy then who am I to stand in your way.”

Shepard laughs, “Shush you. I guarantee by the end of the month you are going to be in love with that varren.”

Liara just hums, “I’m sure you’re right, dear.”

Liara knows that their future still isn’t free of worry. The restoration of the galaxy is slow going and there is still turmoil throughout, what with people still homeless and governing bodies still out of whack. But Liara feels like this is good enough for them, good enough for now. She has her bondmate, they have their daughter, and they even have a varren, much to her dismay.

They still have hope. It’s bright and it’s beautiful and it leaves them feeling infinite.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to incorporate what du-hjarta-skulblaka told me about Sam as well as what they had on their shiara tag on their tumblr. I left Liara and Sam's daughter without a name since they didn't have a canon one for her, as well as the varren. If there's anything you see that I need to fix please let me know! Happy Holidays/Candlenights!!!


End file.
